On Monday I will begin a spiritual exercise called Exodus 90. If you aren’t familiar, it is a challenge to go 90 days while following a set of spiritual disciplines. Examples of these disciplines are: short, cold showers; daily holy hour; fast days on Wednesdays and Fridays; abstaining from sweets, sweet drinks, and alcohol. Some parts will be more challenging than others.
One part of this exercise is is to write my “why” for doing it. The instructions for the exercise describe this more as a purpose statement for the 90 days. As I’ve reflected on it, I think I need two parts. First, this part, I want to share why I decided to do Exodus 90. Second, in my next post, I’ll share my official “why” with some explanation.
So, Why Do This?
The last two years have been the hardest of my life. In 2021 my marriage exploded, launching a painful process of trying to hold it all together and save it. December 2022 I was served divorce papers. May 2023 we completed our mediation, signed our agreement, and our divorce was finalized; fun fact, the divorce became official on the day our oldest daughter graduated from high school.
I expected to never experience what I’ve been through, and it was worse than I imagined. My life changed in substantial ways. I wasn’t preaching anymore. I was hardly praying. I was barely reading Scripture. I went to worship services and was just there, but I was disengaged. My faith, which had been a major part of my life and identity, felt dead. I was in a spiritual desert.
Thankfully God is Gracious. My heart cooled to a single ember, but God through Christ kept that ember alive. Then He started working to bring it back to a flame, however small. A close friend, who is doing Exodus 90 with me, started asking questions about the Bible and theology; kindling to the ember. The Lord sent a woman into my life who speaks encouragement to me. She reminded me of how it felt to love and be loved in return; air to lift the ember to flame. And God started drawing me back to the Church Fathers and Scripture; a flame! It isn’t what it was, but it’s back; it’s still alive!
The Catch
My faith was coming back, but with it an increased sensitivity to my sin. Angry, bitter thoughts about my ex-wife popped to mind from time to time. What’s more, they were increasing in frequency. Anger of the sort that left me sick to my stomach and my hands shaking. These moments feel intense to the point I almost want to scream. Sometimes I was offended to see her happy. It’s crazy. So I decided I needed to reflect on these feelings; I didn’t like my conclusion.
In these moments, I’m feeling more than just anger. I hate her. I don’t even like writing the words, but it’s the only way to explain the depth and power and spread of the feeling. I think the spread is the biggest giveaway. Anger burns hot, but hate spreads. What do I mean? In those moments these feelings weigh me down, I don’t just hate HER. I hate the guy she’s dating. I hate our mutual friends for still being her friend. I hate my family for not being outraged on my behalf, and sometimes seeming to choose her over me. I hate people in the past who unknowingly played their part in our drama. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate…. there’s no end to it. If left to itself it would consume me.
I don’t like these feelings; they’re not okay.
So What?
“Um, ok. So how does this fit?”
The two things go together. Hatred is a spiritual problem; forgiveness is a spiritual task. Pain tends to fuel a self-centered heart. Hatred is very focused on me and how I perceive myself to be wronged. This is where Exodus 90 comes in.
I need to deliberately deny myself and take up my cross. There is nothing magic, or holy, about taking cold showers and abstaining from other comforts. These practices are opportunities to willfully deny myself. And that isn’t enough. I’m denying myself to focus on Jesus; for me the disciplines are a sacrifice praying “I love you Lord Jesus, but help me love you more!” I want to stoke that flame to a furnace again. Hatred and unforgiveness in my heart will hold me back, and I want the furnace of my faith to burn through it.
I don’t want to be the bitter, divorced guy. I want to be known for my faith, for people to see Christ in me. I need to be active and attack this sin and fan the fires of my faith. This is how I am attacking this problem.
Let us pray:
Lord God, you’ve patiently put up with all our sin and selfishness. In Your mercy you have called us to live in You instead of just following our sinful impulses. Please help me on this journey. Give me strength for the disciplines, and bless them to renew my faith. Help me to forgive, as you have forgiven me.
Father, bless any who read this and also struggle with forgiveness. Be with those who are hurting now. Holy Spirit, speak encouragement to their hearts and guide them in all wisdom. Help me, and help them, find a satisfaction in Christ that drowns out hate and makes forgiveness natural. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, I pray.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
